Soul Searching

I'm having a hard time determining what God is calling me to do, and where I should go from here. It is so complicated, I scarcely can begin to write about it much less make any decisions right now. The root of my dilemma lies in the question: how do I balance my roles now that I'm a new mom?

Work is my biggest hang up.

I just set up my 6-week postpartum check-up with Dr. H for this Wednesday. Afterward, it hit me once I get her go ahead I could start filing for unemployment again and get paid to look for jobs. I actually already started going through the motions just because I felt I should be open to everything. It isn't hard for me to make rounds on the job boards a few times a week, send out a resume here and there, and to refresh my resume. I'm a little more hesitant to touch the portfolio after I found it torn apart until I get an interview, but I could even get myself to do this.

What I'm missing is any real passion to find a job because I don't even know what job would really suite me best right now. I also don't want to waste my time. Job searches and interviewing are not enjoyable long term.

I really don't know what I want, or maybe more importantly what I need. Or now, what does Liam need? I find myself as a mom more concerned about my family over myself. I would gladly take on a boring job if Liam needs me too, or stretch out our savings and live as frugally as possible and be at home with him if that was best.

Sometimes I ponder why did I lose my old full-time job, where I had planned to go back part-time. It seemed like the perfect answer and situation, a balance of motherhood with a moderate work schedule at a place I already knew well. You may blame our rocky economy, or my company's changing goals in their market. I don't. I believe it happened to me at this specific time for a reason. God has something else in mind for me.

Is God trying to tell me to be a stay-at-home mom? At first when I ponder this, part of me says we simply cannot afford that right now. However, then I noticed how strangely he is providing for us right now so money is not a huge issue. Michael and I were baffled as I balanced the budget the other day and we saw all the weird places money came from since I got laid off. The unexpected check from my old company, random gifts from friends and family, and the strangest all the insurance money from that hurricane that hit Ohio and damaged our house right after I got laid off. This money brings the bigger question: what are we supposed to do with it? For now, we just live as frugal as possible until we get further direction. We don't know how long it is supposed to last, or if it is supposed to cover an expense we aren't aware of yet.

With this money and cautious spending, we don't really need me to file for unemployment, at least right now. And honestly, I believe if God provided all this so far he will provide for us as long as it is needed, if I am supposed to just be a mom right now.

The other side of the coin, what if God is just giving me an opportunity to do something else and wants to bless me with another job? In my heart, I really don't think I want to work full-time. I would not feel right about letting our son just be in day care most of the time especially because I'd rather live a simple frugal life rather than miss a significant part of his childhood just for extra money (I say extra, because we could be fine with me just working part-time). If I file for unemployment, I know I have to search for only full-time work, or at least enough to make their qualifications. Is this worth my time, especially if we aren't really needing that money? Should I just take the money since we are eligible for it to help cover our insurance and such, and know if I am not meant to work full-time I won't get a job?

Then there's the question, what about working from home? At least at this phase, I honestly have to wonder what would I do with Liam? I cannot even clean my own house some days, how could I get work done too? And if all I have time to do is work, and never clean, I would hate being in this house and unable to concentrate fully! I am sure life gets better with a newborn in time though, and I could start out slow. I could also probably find someone to help me watch Liam if there is a really needy day. It is still a big switch, but at least freelancers get to set their own hours.

There are still other big areas in life I have yet to fully do more soul searching in. That is the biggest one right now. I plan to keep praying for direction and guidance. I also hope Michael finds what he wants to do as well. We haven't really discussed this, as I haven't been able to process this for myself yet fully, but I can tell he's going through the same thing.